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But if you’re married with children, a business trip is like an escape to Disney Land. There’s no husband for annoying talks about checkbook balances and the next day’s school lunch. And what does anyone want to do with freedom and fun except have sex?

I wish I could tell you that I’m too busy with my great career and big ideas to think about a little one-night stand. A lot of people send emails to me to ask about issues related to marriage.

This cheating issue is widespread: Sixty percent of men and forty percent of women have an affair during marriage. The Des Moines Register reported, in an article that I can’t link to, that thirty-two percent of people feel like they are married to their co-workers, and in fact, people do better work when they have this sort of relationship with a co-worker.

So it’s not that big a leap to cross the great divide and suggest a rendez-vous while you’re in a grand hotel.

You enjoyed the attention, the experience, and the validation of his undivided attention during the encounter.

You want more, and you want to know that he does too.

Often, a relationship after first-date sex is not something you can count on until he follows up words with actions.

When he doesn’t, it can leave you feeling disappointed, shamed, and disbelieving—and these feelings can lead to a dangerous and uncomfortable spiral in which you try to re-captivate him through the only means that has worked so far—sexual enticement—hoping that if he sees you or is reminded of you, he’ll feel the way he felt last time and everything will get better.

But in my practice I have seen and heard both sides—the woman’s disappointment when no relationship materializes, and the man’s waning interest when sex occurs quickly in the dating process—and vice versa, of course.

And I do, sort of: It’s very hard to do kids, career and marriage.

And be on guard that often the easiest thing to let go is the marriage.

You want so much to believe that what you had is “real” that you hold onto things he said or did that seem to mean he wants a relationship, too.

Instead—as traditional and conventional as we all know this advice is—if you’re truly interested in laying the groundwork for a relationship, it’s usually helpful to wait before having sex.

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